


stay with me

by jasondean



Category: Spring Awakening - Sheik/Sater
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-17
Updated: 2016-07-17
Packaged: 2018-07-24 12:52:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7508989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jasondean/pseuds/jasondean
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>a sappy reflection on being in love with moritz stiefel.</p>
            </blockquote>





	stay with me

if melchior could accurately pinpoint the exact moment he fell in love with moritz, he would have left a long, long time ago.

because, the thing is, he never really  _meant_ to fall in love. not with any sort of girl, much less a boy, and certainly much less a d-average, anxious mess of a boy that also happened to be his best friend. it just sort of happened, with no sort of warning or realization when those rose-tinted glasses were slipped over his gaze. the expectation was as soon as he felt things going a little too far, hed snap out of it and retreat back to his studies and research until the distracting feelings passed -- that was a mistake, to think he might be able to even realize a crush forming. not for the first time, overestimating his awareness and wits.

when was the whole thing set in to motion? approximately? 

the start would probably be masturbating in the same room together.

its their first year of secondary school and theyre just entering the second semester. the campus isnt very new anymore, and its incredibly easy to predict how each day will go. wake up and dawdle, breakfast, morning classes, lunch, afternoon classes, tutoring in the library for moritz and lurking around various after school sports and clubs for melchior, back to the dorms, dinner, and then another return to the dorms for showering and sleeping. its a rinse and repeat cycle for every weekday. 

weekends, on the other hand, leave them to their own devices. a good chunk of the boys have the privilege of living close enough to return back home, but for unlucky saps like melchior and moritz, finding stuff to do within walking distance of campus is daunting. theres only so many weekend assignments teachers can give you, and only so many you have the energy to do before pushing them to monday morning.

its another weekend filled with unending boredom and mindless work. melchior is screwing off in the library wing, generally just being a pain in the ass as per usual. really, teachers should know better than to give him any sort of detention, it just makes more room for them to get fed up with him all over again. melchior gabor is a name recognizable by anyone on the staff, and its usually one met with a chorus of groans. 

2 pm sharp, and the librarian is done with his antics. hes booted out of the library and ordered to stay in his room (they both know that wont be happening). the walk to the dormitory is just a couple of minutes, and its not even dinner before melchior finds himself accepting a day of naps and drawing dicks on moritzs homework. the same old shit.

there isnt any use knocking on the door to your own living quarters, roommate or not. locks arent even permitted because of "fire hazards" (read: serial room inspections), so it doesnt even occur to him he should do anything other than twist the knob and push open the door.

"oh my god."

its not an expression of horror or panic -- thats more moritzs style, voice cracking as he makes some sort of exclamation before wrapping himself into his still damp towel -- but more amusement.

"i thought you had detention," he squeaks.

"i did," melchior says, trying to contain his laughter. "my god, youre beet red."

moritz cant even meet his gaze. "i just got back from the showers, i guess i lost track of time, uhm, gosh..."

melchior snorts. "oh, come on. dont look so embarrassed. do you take me for an idiot? youre a teenager, of course youre going to be jerking off. plus, its not anything i havent seen before, so just calm down."

"melchi, i wasnt... im--im calm, so, you calm down, okay?!" he covers his flushed face with his hands, melchiors words doing absolutely nothing to mend the situation. "its just, really hard, because youre  _always_ here," he mumbles.

"yeah, because i _live_ here," melchior scoffs. "im glad im not the loser type to be in fifty billion useless clubs. though i guess thats an issue for you," he says thoughtfully. "no time to beat your meat because ive got no life outside of academics... thats pretty sad, actually."

that gets a laugh out of him, albeit strained. "a modern day tragedy."

"oh moritz, you poor, poor soul," he feigns pity. "you know, its not any easier for me. its not like you have any social life, either."

"i dont want to think about  _you_ getting off."

"what, thats not a turn on?" he grins. "look, its not like its anything shameful. i know everyone says it is, but you dont think men havent been doing this since the beginning of time? i cant even imagine what poor sap would go ahead and wait for a woman. the build-up probably poisons your mind."

the most agreement he gets out of moritz is a shrug.

"you know, you dont actually have to wait for me to be out of the room, moritz," he says.

"are you kidding?"

"not at all! oh my god, its horrible to get horny and then not being able to do anything about it for like, three fucking hours. at  _best_. usually, its more like _six_. drives me up the fucking wall."

"i know," he groans.

"so, whats the big deal? i know you do it. you know i do it. its not anything abnormal. its not like ill be _watching_ , moritz."

recovered a bit, moritz wraps his towel around his waist and sits up, shaking his head as he goes to fetch some clothes, taking care to make sure his damp hair doesnt make the floor slippery. "i cant believe what im hearing," he mutters.

"what? do you have stage fright or something?"

as it turns out, he really doesnt. its surprising to melchior that he even takes heed to his go-ahead; its not like he was joking, really, but moritz is so much more guarded about his sexuality. even melchior making stray comments about the girls that go to the public school across the street makes him blush. 

maybe its different, considering theyre the type of friends who know everything there is to know about each other. melchior really meant it when he said he thought the whole thing wasnt all that big a deal, but its shocking moritz agrees, even if he doesnt outright say it. so, thats a habit that they both get into. the more melchior gets off while moritz is in the room, the more he realizes its not all that weird. he sort of just fades into the background. 

the phrase 'curiosity killed the cat' was probably made just for melchior. it takes barely a month before his thoughts wander from the regular stand-in imagination things to more human subjects. specifically, to moritz.

he stares a bit too long when moritz changes into his pajamas. perhaps he gets a bit too lost in his eyes when he talks, and maybe he pays a bit too much attention when moritz jacks off. (what? anyone would notice how vocal he can be.) who doesnt take a look at an attractive stranger every once and a while and wonder what its like to feel them on your own skin?

moritz isnt some playboy bunny modeling in a magazine, though (how incredible would that be, though?). hes someone melchior can actually consider, well, a person. a real person with feelings and thoughts and ideas. and  _that_ is something different.

its not like he finds moritz sexy. he knows him too well to view him as an object ready to please, and even if he didnt, moritz isnt exactly above average in the looks department. cute, sure, but not sexy. no where _near_ sexy. 

he just wonders what itd be like with moritz. what 'it' is, he doesnt know. he doesnt dare let himself go into that much detail. 

its a sunday night, but not a boring one. monday morning kickstarts a week of exams, so naturally the weekend was spent studying their asses off. melchior is content with a simple skim over the most important chapters of his textbooks while moritz, as usual, is plagued with test anxiety so intense he cant even think to attempt to sleep, which, in turn, keeps melchior up as well.

the dull lamp sitting on a nightstand between the two boys beds is the only thing illuminating the room, while the clock installed on the south wall indicates its some time around half past twelve. they lay on their backs on moritzs bed, making idle chat as moritzs whole body seems to bounce and shake from exam stress.

"im sorry im like this," moritz apologizes sheepishly.

"huh?" melchior yawns his reply.

"that im not normal, and i have to keep you awake."

"everyone gets nervous about exams, moritz. you just have a bit of a worse case than usual," melchior says with a shrug. "im not going to go to sleep and wake up to you having a nervous breakdown. thatd just make me a shitty friend."

"im not going to have a breakdown. you can go to sleep if youre tired," moritz says immediately, guilt dancing in his gaze.

"nah, im fine. i feel like itd screw everything up if i  _did_ go to sleep. not getting a wink of sleep the night before a test is like a good luck charm."

"i sure hope so," moritz sighs. "i cant screw this one up."

"someones always going to get a lower score than you."

"is that supposed to make me feel better, or...?"

"im just saying! sometimes we all fail and the highest grade in a class is like a c and then your parents let you off. its not like anyone ever expected an all-boys boarding school to be easy, right?"

"right..."

the conversation fizzles out and melchior looks over at moritz, who is staring bullets into the ceiling as he tries to control himself from chewing on his bottom lip. (it started bleeding at around 9.) hes so caught up with himself, he doesnt even notice melchiors gaze, drinking in the sight of the boy in his natural state. (or, well, current state. moritz is naturally quite jittery, but not this much so.) 

again, that innocent curiosity lurks into melchiors thoughts. moritz still isnt sexy. he doesnt think he will be for a while yet, if he will be at all. he has a naturally fresh face, with freckles that are beginning to reappear with summer looming around the corner and round, plump cheeks. his straight, roman nose that became more prominent in the past year (thank god for that, too, or hed probably be handed a kids menu at every restaurant still) provides just enough contrast with his more delicate features. and his lips, well, bleeding, at the moment. (in the past few weeks it did really strike melchior how kissable they are.)

"hey, moritz?"

he jumps a bit, being snapped out of his thoughts. "i thought you fell asleep," he says with a nervous laugh. "whats up?"

"have you ever thought about, uh, boys?"

"thats probably the most cryptic sentence ive ever heard from you. which is saying a lot."

melchior laughs. "sorry, i mean, have you ever thought about boys, when you, uh, the way you think about girls?"

"that didnt make much more sense, melchi," he says apologetically.

"have you ever thought about dating one? or like, thought about boys, sexually?" melchior prompts.

"are you asking me if im gay?"

"i never said that. i was just asking, if youve ever sort of, thought about it."

moritz is silent for a bit. "well, yeah, sure i have. have you?"

"well, not really. i mean, yes. but, not..." he looks a bit troubled, stumped. "nevermind. i dont really know what im saying."

"thats refreshing. being around such a put-together smartass all the time is way tiring," moritz comments, recieving a light shove from melchior. "i just dont see how itd be much different from a girl."

"i dont either. im just curious, you know?" melchior says with a shrug. 

"i know. me too," moritz admits.

eventually, moritz gets so tired of worrying he nods off, and melchior is left awake without an itch of sleepiness. immediately he becomes frustrated with how close he was to actually admitting to moritz hes been eyeing him. so close -- why was that? he doesnt feel any sort of nerves, and he doesnt find it that big of a deal. isnt it a natural part of growing up to finally push you attractions and fantasies onto a real person instead of porn actresses that are just made to act as puddy? 

so, the week goes on, and finals are hell as predicted. every night is hell, too, because melchior continues to be a guest in moritzs bed as the poor boy struggles to fall asleep, and the urge to inquire more about the subject of boys and sex and love gets stronger and stronger. like an itch he cant quite reach.

friday rolls around and exams are done, for the most part. both melchior and moritz only have a couple more tests scattered throughout the next week. friday, compared to last week, is much more relaxing. 

the sun is down and they should _really_ be in their room, moritz insists nervously, because unlike melchcior, hes never been caught breaking curfew and hed like to keep his record as clean as possible. ("that means theyll go easy on you if they catch you now, you dolt.") they sit on the first row of bleachers facing the schools football and track field, their only light source the full moon above them. the singing crickets make melchior feel almost sleepy while they have the opposite effect on moritz, who keeps both feet off the ground in fear that one of the little guys will hop onto his lap.

"some wine would go swimmingly with this, you know," melchior says. "some sort of cheap white from the liquor store down the block, and wed be drinking it even though it tastes like shit and its a little warm. thats what boarding school should be, cheap wine and stars."

"i guess youre disappointed its turned out to be just stress and detention."

"not really. ive got good grades, three meals a day, no parents, and a kickass roommate," he says. "thats all i ever really wanted. though, i wouldnt argue with some more rebellion here. we look like losers instead of badasses sneaking out after curfew because no one else is around to praise us."

he looks over at moritz, grinning.

"what? is something on my face?"

"no, its just that i can see like, every little bit of frizz on your head with the moonlight," he explains, moving a hand to try and smooth down moritzs characteristic wild locks. the curls just bounce back up again, looking as fluffy as ever. moritz watches his friends hands move with amusement as he continues to try and clean up his hair.

"ive been telling you to get a diffuser extension for ages, moritz," melchior chides softly. 

"i dont even own a blow dryer."

"you wont have this frizzy mess and it wont fuck up your hair. oh, and it wouldnt hurt you to try to tidy up that mane every once and a while. you cant just gel it all down for every important event of your life," melchior muses.

"says who?"

"says me," melchior shoots back lightly. he pulls one of the ringlets all the way down to moritzs cupids bow, and watches with amusement as it bounces back up. he pushes back all of his hair, usually hiding moritzs forehead and hairline at any given time. he moves his hand away and looks on chuckling as, once again, it all moves back into place. 

the entire time spent perched on the bleachers has given melchior tons of time to shamelessly gaze at moritz, and for once it isnt something that just creeped up on him. the moment he sat down, hes had a hard time keeping his eyes off of him, what-ifs buzzing in his brain. he really does look beautiful. not elegant beautiful like a model in a magazine or sexy beautiful like adult talent, just beautiful. statue of a greek god beautiful.

"youre staring again," moritz says.

he kisses him. its an impulse. curious of how it might feel to kiss a boy, to kiss moritz, to be exact. 

he excepts moritz to be frozen, but he isnt, not even for a moment. he melts into melchior right away, as if anticipating the move before melchior even thought of it. hes light, blissful with moritzs lips on him, moritz leaning into him just to find an excuse to keep every part possible of them touching. he thought hed immediately compare this kiss to every other one hes experienced in his short life and even shorter stretch of romantic expeditions, but he doesnt. in fact, he doesnt think at all. 

hes dizzy with joy when they finally part. moritz mirrors the same wide, goofy grin on his own face. 

"can we do that again?" moritz breathes, looking both eager and shy.

"yeah." the word has barely left his lips when moritz cranes his neck so their lips can meet again.

so, the curiosity of what it might feel like to kiss moritz is satisfied. melchior incorrectly assumes that will be the end of it. but kissing moritz once in the moonlight on the bleachers after curfew isnt enough. it isnt really ever enough -- kissing moritz quickly in an empty section of the library, kissing moritz when hes come back from the showers, kissing moritz after he smiles and his eyes light up and crinkle and his nose scrunches, kissing moritz in his bed, kissing moritz against the door as soon as he walks into their room. he needs more, more, more.

one day, melchior convinces moritz to skip afternoon classes. partly due to unwilling to take a risk at being caught and punished for his truancy and partly because he wants to be alone with melchior, moritz convinces him to stay holed up in their room with him. all melchior does is make a snide comment about him being a killjoy and thats the end of it; he doesnt put up much of a fight with spending time alone with moritz in their room ever since the friday night on the bleachers. hed rather be making out with moritz than sulking around a quiet campus, anyway. 

"are we boyfriends?" moritz asks suddenly. in response, melchior kisses him. instead of the act silencing him like usual, moritz just looks more fed up. "are we boyfriends?"

"does it matter?"

"yes," moritz says, looking slightly hurt. "i want to take you on dates."

"to where, exactly? that one creepy old movie theater? the public school? jeanines pizza? tha--"

"to somewhere," moritz says shortly. 

"are you gay?" its meant to be a real question -- he thinks back on the night before finals week -- but it comes out more joking than anything.

"are you?" he throws the question back hotly.

"i think so."

"i think so too."

"is that okay?"

"yeah. i think."

"okay... good."

"can i call you my boyfriend?"

melchior nods.

boyfriends. it sounds a bit funny to his ears -- hes only ever heard 'boyfriend and girlfriend.' however, that sounds pretty clunky, in his opinion. boyfriends. thats a lot cuter.

of course, there isnt anyone to refer to moritz as 'my boyfriend' to. but it sounds perfect in his head, and thats enough for him. he shares that with moritz, because he really does like it --  _my boyfriend, moritz_ \-- and hes teased for being romantic. he kisses moritz -- his boyfriend, moritz.  its not unfamiliar at all now to be cuddled up in moritzs blankets, talking between kisses until neither of them are interested in the talk and it just becomes the making out. but it feels different, fuzzy and happy. romantic. because hes a boyfriend now.

its not the first time he pops a hard-on making out with moritz, but its the first time the boy builds up the courage to say anything about it -- although, initially, he doesnt. he moves his hands from melchiors waist to his front, feeling his stomach in a show of hesitation before swallowing his fears to go lower. melchior pulls his lips from moritzs and sighs when he feels a nervous hand on his crotch, the new feeling nearly sending him into overdrive despite being only over layers of clothing and moritz being too shy to move his hand much at all.

"can i take care of that?" he asks sheepishly.

caught off-guard, melchior nods quickly. "yes, please."

moritzs face lights up in a smile, and he giggles. " _yes, please,_ " he repeats, mimicking melchiors voice in a way that must surely be over-exaggerated, because there is _no_ way his voice is that low and doofy and eager. " _please._ youre so polite, melchi."

after that, melchior finds it way too much of a chore to get off by himself. your own hand can only do so much after you get a taste of something different. 

next week begins summer, and for the first time, they both find themselves disappointed at the school year ending. they live close to each other, so its not like they wont see each other, but adding close-minded, homophobic parents into the equation really puts a damper on things.

theyre old enough to feel a bit creepy, roaming a public playground in the dead of night. they sit on the swings, squished in as theyre barely wide enough to hold the teens anymore, holding hands as they sway. 

"its a bit romantic, you know. the sneaking around," melchior says.

it really isnt. after the freedom of boarding school (who thought that would be a sentence formed?), summer back at home feels unusually restricting and harsh.

fall comes fast enough, though, and rooming again isnt a difficult task at all. after your first year, the faculty takes in suggestions from students for who they want to room with. no one in their right mind would ever write down melchiors name, so being put in the same room with moritz is pretty easy.

transitioning from summer to school is awkward for them. they barely touch or talk much outside of school and the weather as they get back into the swing of things. the awkwardness doesnt hold for long, though, and its a relief to slide back into their relationship. whatever that might be -- by this point, sexual, platonic, romantic... it all has just welded together, impossible to tell apart.

its the first real day of winter when they lose their virginity to each other. 

in the hundred year old all-boys boarding school, sex education is one thing and one thing only: abstinence. no marriage, no sex. if you have sex when you arent married, you either get the girl pregnant and both your lives go to hell or you get an std and die. they dont even need a whole week in gym dedicated to sex ed, because there it is, whats taught in two sentences.

everyone tells girls that their first time will hurt and they will bleed. normally, this isnt actually true. breaking your hymen before even having sex is nothing uncommon at all, and natural lubrication should make sure there isnt any sort of hurting; so, if done right, there should only be some discomfort thatll fade eventually.

thats a tidbit of information melchior is aware of, but nothing hes found in a book will really prepare him. even the most liberal of sex education classes dont talk about sex for gay men, and diving in blind is definitely not something you want to do. 

this is, unfortunately, learned the hard way. its awkward, considering melchior has such a hard time keeping it up with how unsexy the whole ordeal is with moritz continuing to cringe and whimper and complain. 

"do you want to stop?"

"no, ill get used to it."

"are you crying...?"

"please, melchi."

he takes it like a champ, but eventually it hits them both this is going absolutely no where.

whats worse is the days following the event. 

"i dont think i can walk," moritz whimpers from his bed.

"are you fucking me?" melchior mumbles, already up and dressed in uniform.

"no," he says, panic crawling into his voice.

"you havent even sat up yet." melchior moves over to moritzs side, and watches as he sits up straight. "okay, now turn, and slide off of the bed."

"i know how to get out of bed!" he snaps. its easy enough for him to swing his legs off the bed, but when he tries to stand up, its like his legs have turned to jelly. melchior quickly helps him back up.

"what was that about?" he asks, alarmed now as well.

"i dont know! oh my god, what if i broke something?"

"what is there to break?!" melchior asks, horrified.

"i dont know! stop asking me!" moritz whines. 

they both look relieved when he can, indeed, walk. though the trip to his drawer isnt any fun from what melchior can tell from the way he hobbles and cringes.

"do you want to go to the nurse?" he suggests.

"are you insane?" moritz scoffs.

and that commences the waiting, because going to the nurses wing would require moritz to out them both, or try to explain what would possess him, as a straight guy, to stick a foreign object up his ass. all around, a bad time.

the first attempt is so traumatic, they dont even want to try again. they plan to carry it out more for research -- what  _is_ so great about sex? it cant  _actually_ hurt this much. in gay pornos the bottom always gets fucked hard by guys way bigger than melchior and they (pretend?) to enjoy it. pornos cant lie. what kind of industry can be built on lies? ("well, moritz, diet pills still make a fortune..." "so, theyre trying to trick us into thinking sex is enjoyable just so we buy these movies?" "that just sounds stupid. why are we buying movies? pornhubs right there.")

the second go is considerably better, but neither of them get close to reaching a climax because moritz is actually crying just remembering the whole nurse conversation. (what if he really does break something?) just the thought of hurting moritz again puts melchior off, so its another loss.

the third times the charm thanks to the correct amount of lube and foreplay and determination and probably the alignment of the planets. the act isnt anything resembling what either of them have seen in dirty movies, because its slow and loving and careful. the expectation that good sex has to be hot and sexy was another incorrect one on melchiors part. just fulfilling that intense longing to be close to moritz, to feel his bare skin and the warmth of his body and to be as close as possible is enough. 

too sleepy to clean up, they lay entangled together. he plays with moritzs hair, lazily combing his hands through and twirling and twisting different pieces and strands around his fingers.

"i love you," he says.

"you know i love you too," moritz replies sleepily, cuddling into him more. "was it okay?"

"i came, didnt i?"

"i just thought id make sure, you stickler," he huffs.

"yeah, it was okay. more than okay. pretty good," melchior says, kissing moritzs head gently.

"i loved it," moritz says, yawning. 

"thats a step up from the crying," melchior comments.

"i want to forget all that so badly. if anyone asks, this was the first time, okay?"

"yeah, no, im not going to be advertising the first couple of times i had sex was filled with my boyfriend balling his eyes out."

despite his best efforts not too, moritz laughs. contagious, it has melchior cracking up as well.

"i dont want to get up," moritz murmurs.

"then dont get up, dumbass."

"can we fall asleep like this?" he asks, giving melchior a peck on the cheek before resting his head on his chest once again.

"mhmm," melchior yawns.

"can we always fall asleep like this?"

he smiles.

"yeah, well, i dont see why not."

so, maybe hes glad he didnt realize the road they were headed on, because he knows he wouldve fled. he cant even claim to know "when it was love," but hey, what does that matter? he wouldnt trade moritz for the world.

 

**Author's Note:**

> i was going to add something like "i didnt proofread this" but tbh i dont proofread any of what i publish. im the mcdonalds of fanfiction.


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